Sunday, September 19, 2010

Emotional Storm

It appears that I am not a good blogger. If I were then this would not be posted four months after my last one. Ugh. One good thing though, no complaints from people about why I haven't kept up or what adventures they have missed out on hearing! lol

I did ride my bike for a while after my last post. Even rode it one night with the Hubby, half drunk that he was; with his seat raping him! (It had become loose and decided that it wanted to slant backwards the entire ride home!) I rode it a few more times as well, however it ended up in my friends garage for about a month because I rode it there but Hubby picked me up. Funny how fast the time went by before I realized it.

I did ride my bike the other day. I left the house fully intent on meeting a friend for lunch at the PX, however he had to work through his lunch with barely anytime afterwards for him to eat... He apparently hates Rear D!!

So here I now sit, contemplating what to write about. I have so much in my brain but like normal, the words are eluding me. That is not to say that I won't write at all... I just need to calm my thoughts before running off on a tangent.

I have some fat that I have been chewing on, yet I don't know if I can actually put the words to paper in order for everyone to read. Not that they can't or shouldn't know, I am not sure I can do myself justice with words. Most who know me, know that I am an emotional soul. I cry at movies, I cry at cartoons, I cry at commercials, heck I cry. I also make attachments that cannot be easily broken. If I have accepted someone as a friend, I tie myself to them and fight for the relationship. No amount of distance or separation deters me from keeping that friend in my heart. I am a sappy, devoted friend to the end. I am not adverse to showing this side of me.

But lately it feels like being the person to do all the work isn't working for me anymore. I can put out all of the offers and lifelines I want, but when they aren't being accepted or even recognized...

At what point do I give up and let go?

I realize that I am but one person, and that not everyone is the same as me. I understand that I sometimes come across as harsh and brash, but being forthright is how I have managed to survive as an Army wife, and so I will not apologize for that or change it. That being said, I am having the hardest time being frank with one friend in particular. It isn't as if my life depends on him or anything, but from initial contact he became an instant part of my family. (Now I do know that I can also be a bit overbearing, but a simple word can make me catch sight of what I am doing, and I alter my course.)  I don't know what happened, if I did something wrong, if I offended... I have no clue but I feel like I should be guilt ridden, because I don't know. And to be completely honest, I wish I didn't care so much, because then this wouldn't be eating away at my heart.

I haven't really talked about it with hubby, because knowing him the way I do, he would likely tell me to not worry about it and let it go. Easier for him. Me? Not so much.

Actually, I wish I could just walk away from it and not blink twice... but I don't know how to and don't know if I am strong enough to. I guess this is my current task - figuring out when to cut the ties that bind. Ugh! I sometimes wish I weren't as emotional as I am. It would make things much easier. But... I am my Mother's Daughter, and I am thankful to be a lot like her. I wouldn't change it for the world.

No comments:

Post a Comment