The Fabric of Our Lives

Where to begin?

The past two days have been slightly insane for me. So much so, that I decided it was time to sit down and actually write in my blog. It seems like forever since my last post - and yet nothing much had changed... until yesterday.

I guess a little bit of the back-story is necessary in order for you to understand, so I will start with high school.

When I was in high school, circumstances brought me to the realization that I have an older sister. She is my dad's daughter, one he wanted but was unable to keep. (There is a lot of information concerning this - but it is not my story to tell.) As it turned out, my sister was born and put up for adoption. The words 'put up for adoption' seem so crass to me, however I can't seem to find words that are more fitting... At any rate, that is what happened and of course, I have never known her personally, I have only ever known her in spirit.

About 10 years ago I decided I was going to try and find her - to no avail. I did everything that I was capable of. Well, to be honest, I did everything I was able to on what information I had. I was going by what my father and mother had told me, which wasn't a whole lot when I look at the scope of it now. Even at the time, I knew if I really wanted to find out, I could try and contact my sister's birth mother for information. This is where I faltered. I didn't know who she was, I only had a name, and I wasn't sure what kind of reception I would receive. Would she want to know her daughter? Would she be willing to give me the information I needed? Would I be stepping on her families toes if I pursued it if they didn't want me to?

I got as far as birthing records and found nothing. I didn't know what hospital she was born in, the date of birth - I only had the year - and because my sister's birth mothers name never appeared, I figured I was way off track. I figured my sister was concealed with a different birth mother name. When my efforts proved fruitless to me, and after spending the money for the birthing records that amounted to nothing, I accepted defeat. Of course, I had other people telling me to "let sleeping dogs lie" and to "not stir the pot", that "she will find you if she really wants to". After hearing that as much as I did, I guess I felt I was doing  something wrong in trying to find her. What if she really didn't want to be found? Or further - what if she didn't even know?

So I failed myself. I gave up my search, but not for one day did I ever forget that I have an older sister.

A few weeks ago, I received a message on facebook from a lady I didn't know. She asked me a question about my dad, but she called him Joey - haha! I have never heard my dad called that! But seriously, I am a skeptic and I don't trust people easily - let alone someone who messages me on a social network asking questions. I didn't think about anything at all. In fact, I didn't even reply to her! How callus am I?

Yesterday, I woke to find a message from my dad. He said that he received a message from the same lady who messaged me, but asked him a different question. The question she asked him was the key indicator that my sister might have been found!!!!!

Of course, Dad and I were calling each other back and forth all day yesterday. We were speculating and investigating. It is actually quite funny now that I think about it. It's like we were two super sleuths trying to get to the bottom of a big case - but we were still way off track! Dad messaged the lady back and left it open so that questions could be asked - and we both waited for a response...

The response came. This lady isn't my 'blood' sister, but she is in fact the younger sister to my older sister. (Have I lost you yet?) lol

Teresa (I hope she doesn't mind that I have used her name) is the daughter of my older sister's birth mother. And Teresa has found my older sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My excitement could not be contained yesterday. I talked to my dad several times, called my sister Tara to fill her in, because how inappropriate would it be for her to read about it in my blog, called my closest friends to let them know and of course I said a few prayers of thankfulness for Teresa and my older sister.

I now know my older sister's name, I know her birthday and I know where she lives. I personally haven't had any contact with her. I am ok with this. Teresa is being the sole contact, and for that I can't thank her enough. Any information is better than what I had last week.

And I can completely understand my older sister guarding herself from us. I can't even begin to imagine what she must be going through or how she is feeling. For me, I have known for well over 20 years about her, but if she just found out about us - it can be nothing short of overwhelming. And she has a family she needs to protect as well. I get it. I have to remember that it isn't my life that has been turned upside down. I can't expect her to want me with open arms, unconditionally. I am a stranger to her and so I have to allow her to guard herself, to get used to the idea of me if she wants. I am a patient person and can wait forever if need be. That being said, if it turns out that my older sister is content with her station in life and she decides to not pursue me, I will be ok with that too. Just finally knowing of her is all I can really ask for - and I have already been granted that.

Finally, Teresa... I know I have said this many times, but I feel I have to say it again. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reaching out to me and giving me this information. Even when I didn't respond, you didn't give up. You are irreplaceable, unforgettable and now forever a part of my family. Much love

TamTam